7 Changes I Had To Make To Better Control My Anxiety

Michael Thompson
Personal Growth
Published in
9 min readFeb 26, 2018

--

I remember exactly when and where I was when my real journey to better control my anxiety began.

I was speaking to my dad about my anxiety and as soon as I said the word, “Crush,” he cut me off with the following words:

“You are never going to crush your anxiety. The best you can do is acknowledge it and then take the hard steps to better understand it. Then, and only then, will you begin to discover how you as an individual can best contain it.”

At the time I was not looking for words like, “contain” or “control,” but like a lot of the advice my dad has passed onto me over the years, he was dead right.

For the preceding years I was so busy looking for solutions, that I did not take the time to properly identify the sources.

However, over the last eight years I have done just that, and below are the seven primary changes I have had to make to better control my anxiety.

1. SAYING GOODBYE TO ALCOHOL:

In the book, “The Power of Habit,” author Charles Duhigg, coined the term “Keystone Habits.” Essentially these are habits that roll over and improve other aspects of our life. For example, exercising in the morning may lead you to clarity when facing the day and healthier food decisions moving forward.

One stone and a handful of dead birds.

However, “Keystone Habits” can go both ways.

For me personally, the “Reverse Keystone Habit” that most negatively affected my life, and was responsible for the majority of my anxiety attacks, was alcohol.

When I drank, I smoked, ate horribly, hurt people I cared about and bumbled through the next few days in a haze. Then, I rinsed and I repeated.

I used to tell myself that I began to drink because I enjoyed it. But after a few hard conversations with myself, and with others, I realised I had used it as a way to protect myself from the real me.

I grew up stuttering, and when I drank I never stuttered. Somewhere along the line I had convinced myself that when I drank, people were finally meeting the real me, confident and full of ideas. But this was a crutch, and unfortunately it took me close to two decades to make the realization that I had been hiding from myself, and if I ever wanted to be truly seen, it had to go.

This realization that alcohol and I no longer mixed served as my tipping point for better controlling my anxiety. It did not take me long into being sober for my eyes to open up to the fact that I was not born with anxiety — I had created it — and it was up to me, and only me, to take the power back and learn how to control it.

2. HAVING CERTAIN CONVERSATIONS:

As an eternal optimist I have always shuttered when I read headlines that involved the words “toxic people.” People are not toxic. Everyone has something positive to offer and everyone has something negative. It took me a long time to realise that the role I was playing in my relationships played a big part in bringing out the negative aspects of others.

It would be easy to dismiss people that are negative. But if I had recorded just a handful of conversations with people who I labeled as “complainers,” I would have realised that I was just as, if not, more guilty.

When conversations are going in a direction that makes me uneasy or speeds up my heart-rate, instead of dismissing these people, I have found that pivoting and guiding the conversation in a more positive light often does the trick.

My mom told me that the best way to avoid complainers is to simply not give them room to complain in the first place.

Ask them what they are reading and what interesting people they have recently met.

Ask them for their best piece of advice and how it helped them when they were in a jam.

Ask them about their kids and what plans they have for the future.

Tony Robbins hit the nail on the head when saying, “The quality of our life is determined by the quality of our questions.”

I cannot thank the people in my life enough who stuck with me when I was “toxic” for doing the same for me. For forcing me to get some sunlight. For dragging me out of my apartment. For reminding me about all the good things I already had in my life. For giving me a second, third or even forth chance.

We are all toxic and we are all beautiful. The choice is yours as to which one we want to see.

BTW — saying the words, “enough complaining” usually snaps people out of it so you do not need to do a “friend purge” or whatever the new hot term is for acting like a pompous ass.

3. LISTENING TO GURU’S:

Quite possibly the biggest takeaway from this whole experience of trying to control my anxiety has been coming to the realisation that no one knows me, better than I do. So I better listen to myself.

4. LEAVING A HIGH PAYING SALES JOB:

“Michael, you know why you are always nervous and tired? Because you are doing something you were not meant to do.”

My dad said these words to me at age 29 when I was complaining about my sales management job and they really hit me hard.

My dad is the super hero type. Traveled all over the world. 50 year military career. Photos with interesting people in interesting places. You know the type — six foot five when you close your eyes, but five foot eleven in reality.

So when he not only said I could quit, but recommended it, I was shocked. Sure he was proud of me for facing my fears and taking a sales job, stutter and all, but he had seen that I had taken all of the good out of the job and the negatives were beginning to take their toll.

This taught me two valuable lessons:

First, the most valuable gift someone can give you is the freedom to be yourself.

Second, just because you are good at something does not mean you have to do it.

I got a real kick out of beating “natural salesmen” month in and month out and this did a world of good for my confidence in some areas. However, I was not made for 24 hour phone calls. I was not made for that level of competition. And I was not made for that extreme of uncertainty.

I am happiest and best suited to play the role of supporter, and posing as a leader led to way too many anxiety filled days and nights for the juice to be worth the squeeze.

5. PUTTING THINGS OFF UNTIL TOMORROW:

Sheryl Crow said in an interview that she judges her success by how well she sleeps at night. Smart.

My biggest weakness is that I want to please everyone all of the time and a byproduct of this is that I hate giving people bad news.

That being said, Mel Robbins book, The Five Second Rule, has been a lifesaver for me.

In short, the idea is that when faced with something you do not want to do, instead of running from it, you count backwards from five and start doing it before the time is up.

Got a call you do not want to make?

Count down from five and make it.

Hesitating to call an employees into the office for a hard conversation?

Count down from five and bring them in.

Scared to tell your partner you screwed up?

You get the idea.

No matter how good our intentions are, bad things are going to happen, however, relationships and reputations are built on not only how well you act when things are going well, but also what you do when they are not.

In short — Make the call. People may be angry in the short-term, but they will respect you in the long-run.

BTW — Never leave a message like, “There is something important I want to talk to you about tomorrow.” This is not only heroin for people with anxiety, but everyone.

6. LYING AND NOT OWNING UP TO MY MISTAKES:

One evening after telling my wife a stupid lie, she looked me dead in the eyes and said, “Am I not worth the truth?”

Try hearing those words and not feel like a complete piece of shit.

Today, when I screw up, I take the blame, apologise and ask how I can make it right. And this recipe has helped me to bury the worry and move on — which has done my anxiety a world of good.

7. BUYING USELESS THINGS:

On my 39th birthday a friend of mine asked me the following questions:

“As human beings we spend the first half of our lives collecting things, and the second half determining what to keep. Now that you are closing in on the hill, what things do you want to keep?”

After pondering this question for a while it dawned on me that not one physical object landed on my list.

Paulo Coehlo got it right when saying, “The simple things are also the most extraordinary.”

I have never really considered myself a minimalist before, but the life my wife and I lead is pretty darn close.

When we decided to finally buy a car, we looked for one we could afford, saved up and paid in cash.

When we finally decided to buy a house, we moved out of the city and found a town where our mortgage would be half of our previous rent so we would not have to work to live.

With the exception of buying a good pair of running shoes and traveling, I cannot think of a purchase that has run north of $100 in the last two years.

Nothing triggers stress for me more than the word, “debt.” As a result my wife and I have created a simple life where we do what we want with what we have.

Prior to addressing my anxiety I never took the time to really think about the lifestyle I wanted to live or what activities really brought me happiness. I was so busy chasing shiny things that I never took the time to identify where I was going.

I like walking in the mountains and going to the beach. I like playing in the park with my kids and having the freedom to take them out of school to go to the zoo on a random Tuesday. I like reading, meeting interesting people, and over the last year I have discovered a love for writing.

All of these things are either free or extremely cheap and not having the mailman bring me a bill for my decisions has been a godsend for my anxiety (except when the dude down below shows up with a package for me).

CONCLUSION:

Recently I was talking to a friend, and we came to the conclusion that most people will never get what they want because most people do not know what they want.

I never would have imagined that one day I would view my anxiety as my greatest teacher. But by following my dad’s advice and focusing on the sources instead of looking for a solution, over the last eight years my anxiety has taught me what I want — while simulatenously teaching me to be thankful for what I already have.

I write in order to skip the small talk so I can have more meaningful conversations. Are you currently trying to get a better hold of your anxiety? Or have you dealt with it in the past? If so — please leave a comment below as to what has worked for you as an individual and what hasn’t.

If you have enjoyed reading this story, please give it a “👏” and me a follow so other people will see it here on Medium. Thanks again for choosing to spend your time here — means the world.

One last thing:

If you enjoyed this post — head on over to www.mikethompsonblog.com and sign-up to receive all new posts and 2 free welcome gifts: “31 Ideas To Spark Creativity in Your Writing”my cheat sheet as a new writer for coming up with things to write about and “225 Quotes To Inspire Your Writing” — #6 from said cheat sheet.

--

--

Michael Thompson
Personal Growth

Co-creator of two cool kids • Storytelling Coach •.Fast Co., Insider, Forbes • Free storytelling guide here: https://bit.ly/3h1KZeT